“What a bullshit sack of lemons,” I say to my husband as we progress through month 10 of his treatment for two very aggressive cancers.
I’m not exactly sure what prompted me to say it. It might have been the three phone calls I had to make to get an answer about his treatment plan. It might be the fatigue I see in the baby blues looking back at me. Or the fact that the laid back very likable part of this duo is so afflicted.
Either way, I can’t help but feeling like life handed him a big bullshit sack of lemons every time I look at him. And the worst part is that try as I might, I don’t know the recipe for turning it into lemonade.
However, what I do know is that somebody out there reading this is dealing with their own sack of lemons, and while this post is about cancer, you could insert the loss of a loved one, illness, recovery, job loss, caregiving, etc. Whatever crap you are going through I want you to know something:
–> You are stronger than you think.
–> The people that matter don’t keep score when you call on them for help.
–> People do AMAZING things with their back up against a wall.
–> Somebody out there needs your light.
Just. Keep. Going.
I believe it’s there under the crushing weight of that thing you think you’ll never recover from, that some truly extraordinary things happen.
And while I don’t want to take anything away from people relying on caregivers, I do want to send a reminder out into the universe that our caregivers need love too. The emotional toll and loss of self can be devastating.
I also want you to know that everything you are feeling is normal. It’s ok to be mad, sad, angry, pissed, hopeful, tortured, resentful, desperate, happy, annoyed, and a little “whyyyy me.” You might even experience all these feelings over the course of the day, which can lead to you feeling a little cray cray. These feelings=normal.
If you would like to talk about your experience or share some resources for those in need of emotional support, please leave a comment below.