8/9/2018 This is going to deplete me.
I don’t have the luxury of not working. I still have to manage my projects, source new leads, and reach in deep to find the creativity I need to finish my work. All while I take care of the house, cook, shop, manage all the moving parts, take care of the dogs, and deal with everything that entails your spouse having cancer. His emotional stress, his sickness, his food, laundry, cleaning up, doctor appointments, test results, treatment. How the fuck am I going to do this?
As 2018 crossed into 2019, I found myself having one of the most challenging years of my life. This is even after previously going through divorce, losing my job, and leaving behind friends to restart my life back in my home town–a place I never wanted to live, smack dab in the middle of some family problems that threatened to snuff out what was left of the family I had. I remember sitting on my grandmother’s couch 10 years ago wondering how I was going to recover from that.
This walking your person through cancer thing while trying to turn a made from scratch business into a continuous revenue stream has been utterly maddening. But here we are. I knew on the surface that I could handle some shit. But I am amazed by the way my hand has been forced in this arena, and yet I’m still standing. My husband is getting back to where he was pre-surgery, but it has been a long slow climb. And after all the treatment was done, he was left with some mental work that he was unprepared for. The man is a Viking; I am in awe of his tenacity.
When I look back at my entries in his cancer diary, I am amazed at what we have been through as individuals, and as a couple. It has brought us to our knees at times, and yet somehow made us so strong. My husband is more loving out loud, he helps a little around the house so I can work, and more importantly, we enjoy celebrating little things together.
I am proud of where we are today, even though clearly a year ago, I didn’t know if I was going to make it work for us. And I’m not sorry for feeling the way I did. Cancer sucks. It sucks the life out of everything around you. It changes your relationships. It impacts every part of your life. And being a caregiver sucks too.
So I want to remind you of two things:
1) You are allowed to feel angry, tired, hurt, and fed up. Feeling those emotions doesn’t make you a bad person. Sometimes you have to sit in the truth of your circumstances. This acknowledgment gives you a chance to look for light.
2) Just keep going. Make the decision to put one foot in front of the other without analysis of what the future holds. Even if you have no idea where the hell you are going. You are stronger than you know.
I hope you are finding light in your journey.